An Authoritative Parenting Style - How Do You Develop It?

An Authoritative Parenting Style - How Do You Develop It?

The authoritative parenting style is one of four parenting styles in child rearing that were named through studies conducted by Diana Baumrind in the 1960s and then follow up work done by Martin and Maccoby on the 1980s. ( This work determined that the other styles included an authoritarian parenting style, a permissive parenting style, and uninvolved-or negligent-- parenting.)

It's suggested that parents who use the authoritative approach are more balanced in the way that they deal with their children. They provide boundaries, but are not overbearing and dictatorial.

Now that you know the kind of parent you want to be, how do you develop that style?

Well, knowing how you want to be is the first step; good parenting skills are usually developed by actively working on them, just like almost all other skills.

Here are some additional steps that you can take to begin to develop this style:

Read about the different styles to determine how you WANT to be in your parenting and how you DON'T want to be.

Talk with your spouse about it.

This might sound ridiculous, but many parenting problems stem from the parents working from different play books. It is SO much smoother when the parents approach how they talk with their kids, discipline them, reward them and teach them in a united way.

Talk about disagreements in how you deal with your kids' discipline in private.

Kids are smart. They often will notice when parents disagree in how to handle something and will then work parents against each other to get what they want. (It's okay...they're just kids! But knowing this is helpful.) Come to an agreement as parents out of earshot and them approach the situation as a team.

Note: Doing this accomplishes a couple of things. It reduces tension because the parents are in agreement, it eliminates the chance that the children "move" the boundaries that were pre-set because the parents disagree, and the kids see your marriage as a partnership-modeling that can have a very positive long-term affect for the kids and their future relationships.

Don't overprotect.

I see this often, and see it as one of the main differences between the authoritative style and the authoritarian style of parenting.

No loving parent wants to see their kids unhappy. But, it's very important to understand the difference between short-term happiness and long-term happiness and well-being. Sometimes, their short-term happiness needs to be foregone for the benefit of the kids long-term. This means allowing them to work through some small lessons now and again so that they can learn from experience and be better adjusted for it down the road.

Know when to compromise, give in, or hold your ground.

This can be hard. But authoritative parents don't want to dictate to their kids; they don't want to "talk at", but "talk with," allowing some give and take. This means knowing what boundaries are firm and which ones can be adjusted. Allowing some boundaries to be moved-the ones that, when the boundaries are moved, the outcome is still okay with you-enables your children to be somewhat involved in the process. They have some say.

Developing your parenting style is an ongoing work in progress. Mistakes will inevitably be made. But working on your parenting means you are interested in developing good parenting skills, and you're active in doing it. And that is arguably the most important step you can take!